Despite being a moderately good-looking guy, I was a dysfunctional mess, when I first came to Asia – Korea, in particular. To teach English.

I came over with a plan, which was basically to try and blend in, without people seeing my dysfunctions.

During my first 6 months in Seoul, I met a lot of hot chicks, but they all seemed to see past my facade. So, I basically gave up trying to find chicks. And then, one night, I was sitting at home, staring at the walls, when I received a mysterious phone call. It was from a Korean woman.

She claimed to want English lessons, but was actually after a hard injection of expat tubesteak.

Yun the hostess Yun spent two years in Japan, working as an 'anything goes' hostess until her visa ran out. Her Tokyo stories were pretty wild: once, she entered a Tokyo karaoke box with a dozen Japanese salarymen, stripped, and then sang, while the lads circle-jerked. "Hello," she chirped, "I am Yun. Are you an English teacher?" Yup. "I'm looking for a private English tutor. Can you teach me?" Yup. "Can you meet me tonight to discuss it?" I could not – I had plans.

I asked where she got my number from. She ignored the question and promised to call back in a few days.

She called as promised, and quickly revealed her true intent: "You know, I lied to you. I don't need English lessons. Actually, I am a very bad girl. Do you want to meet me?" Yup.

Asian hair pie

I met her outside a McDonald's in the Chamshil area of Seoul. She was slender, 28, with long silky hair and a slightly weather-beaten face. We went to a jazz bar for drinks. After a couple, I suggested we go back to my place and listen to tunes.

Once in the apartment, I cracked a couple more beers and popped in a Prodigy tape. She got up and started to dance. A few minutes later, she was dancing on the coffee table. I eased back on the sofa and took a swig of my beer.

"Take off your clothes."

She did.

So, I turned up the tunes and then shut the drapes...